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Talk:The New Aliens/@comment-24922135-20170129190008
Okay it's probably for the best that you don't use italics in the middle of a sentence to indicate actions. Use quotation marks or new lines to separate action from dialogue. Rook: You will not win! Vulkanus: Ha, I don't think so! Now that's probably meant to be interpreted as "I disagree with what you just said!" but what I read was "I don't think I'll win either!" Ben: You're right, it's hero time! Vulkanus made no indication that that is what Ben should do. Also, and I'm willing to let this slide because I haven't read any of the rest of the series yet, but why does the Ultimatrix even bother timing out if it's just going to allow Ben to re-transform immediately? His skin starts to turn into drystals similar to Diamondhead, and then his legs disappear. His body then breaks apart. # *crystals # you shouldn't put "and" after a comma, particularly in this case, as both are meant to extend the length of a sentence. # using 'then' twice like that feels like a lazy and un-creative way to describe a sequence of actions. Alien: Woah! Who's this guy. lifts Vulkanus in the air Hm, an alien that has telekinesis with his mind, be able to lift objects made of matter, how about MindMatter! Okay let me make some quick adjustments so that this reads like how you probably thought it should read: Alien: "Woah! Who's this guy?" Lifts Vulkanus in the air "Hmm, an alien that can lift objects made of matter with his mind... How about MindMatter!" I changed the naming situation a bit more that I intended to, but he really was just pulling strings out of thin air with that phrasing. 'telekinesis with his mind' that makes no sense, all telekinesis is with the mind. That's what it means. And missing that question mark is just basic grammar. Vulkanus gets up and runs toward MindMatter, punching him but MindMatter doesn't get hit. the word you are looking for is 'dodge' MindMatter then uses his telekinesis to pick up Vulkanus and throw him into a lake. Last I checked Mr Smoothy's is in the middle of a city, nowhere near a lake. Vulkanus then grabs a hold of one of MindMatter's crystals and pulls him down into the lake MindMatter: Hey! *transforms back into Ben* Aw man! Considering we are never told that Vulkanus let go, I choose to assume that Vulkanus is now holding onto one of Ben's ribs. Ben: Seriously, another new alien. Question mark. Eelectricty thn punches Vulkanus out of the water, and Eelectricty gets out too, transforming back into Ben *then Detroviator: Detroviator, a ply on the words Detrovite and Gladiator. *play Vulkanus: sarcastically Oh, such a good name. To bad it won't last! couldn't even last one line without another typo? *Too A portal them opens, with a humanoid beetle-turtle alien getting out of it *then Portaler rolls into his shell and charges at Dr. Animo, hitting him, wjich frees Rook from his mind control *which y'know what I'm not even going to comment on all the times you mixed up 'to' and 'too'. Suffice to say you did it a lot. One of my biggest problems with this episode is the names. Ben doesn't even take time to learn his aliens before he names any of them. At least in series like Star Spirit we know that Theo has used all of his first ten before. This problem is made even worse with the line: Sandbox: Oh, it's Sandbox, eh I don't like his name. How about SandTrap! What. Was. The. Point? If you're trying to treat the episode 'Ken 10' as though it is canon and say that this is the alien known as SandBox, well you just screwed it up. Cos this alien is no longer SandBox. Ben literally just used it for the first time, named him, then changed the name. Why? Speaking of 'why?'; why was Animo even there? He did literally nothing. Literally. Nothing. He didn't even have a goal outside of 'muh revenge' and to top it off he teamed up with a villain he's never met. Most of these problems could have been nullified if you had someone proof-read the episode. Which leads me to ask what is the point in the TNO wiki if you aren't going to put episodes up there first for proof reading? EDIT: Primal: "Maybe a better way to name MindMatter would be something along the lines of 'Mind over Matter' since that's where the name comes from?" Waybig: "Okay, I'll change it to that then." New dialogue: Alien: Hm, an alien that has telekinesis with his mind. That sounds Mind over Matter, how about MindMatter! Waybig I do not know what kind of drugs you are on but I want some.